GOVERNMENT MAN

It was supposed to be a sweet gig.  Such a sweet gig!  But in the end it was all bullshit, all bullshit!  In the middle sixties I was a private in the Army, and a private was all I was gonna be.  And that was fine, until I started hearing things about life over in active duty.  Over in Vietnam.  All of a sudden being a little pissant private didn't sound so hot.  So then I volunteer for some big time, super secret Army experiment.  Was supposed to make me like a super hero.  Faster, stronger, more powerful.  You've seen TV, you know the deal.  I asked them if they was gonna make me bulletproof and they just laughed at me.  Yeah, now I know why they were laughin'.  Their little experiment?  The radiation, all of the needles and the shots and stuff?  That junk didn't do a thing for me.  Nothin'!  I was supposed to be able to life a jeep over my head easy, run a minute mile in half the time, bend steel bars with my bare hands!  And all their crap didn't do a thing for me.  All it did for me, it sped my my metabolism or whatever so now I need three times as much food as a normal guy to stay alive.  Ain't that a treat?  Thanks a ton, Army Corps of Engineers!  Or whoever the hell you quacks were.  And I was supposed to get a reward, some big ticket for even risking the experiment.  You know what they gave me in the end?  An honorable discharge and free lifetime food stamps.  Yeah.  Yeah!  Can you believe it?  I risk my ass for my country, and they give me a lifetime supply of government cheese.  Unbelievable.  I was supposed to be a dream, a vision, a beacon of american strength and valor.  I was supposed to be a hero.  And instead, I sweat when I eat.